Basket Weaving 101

Remember all the stories about the dumb college jocks and how they just managed to complete their academic requirements by taking courses like "Basket Weaving 101"? Well, it has just been discovered that all the politicians in Washington took that same basket weaving course when they were in college. And, for the past several years, instead of debating the social issues of the day and writing and passing laws, they have been working on weaving a gigantic basket that reportedly will be big enough so that they can put the entire United States of America in it. Not only is this basket special because of its enormity, but it also is a special kind of basket. It's called a "hand basket". And when it is finished you and I both know where this country is going to go.

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Exciting And Dangerous Lifestyle

For someone over sixty, I have a very exciting and dangerous lifestyle. As an example, I just sat down at my computer, took the mouse apart and cleaned the lint out of it with a pair of tweezers.

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Somebody

I always wanted to be somebody and now that I have eight grandchildren I am. Come to think of it, after the first one I was.

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To Spread or Not To Spread

"I think when you spread the wealth around, it’s good for everybody.”
— Barack Obama

"You don't make the poor richer by making the rich poorer."
— Winston S. Churchill

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After Life Guarantee

How to guarantee no funeral when you die...outlive all your relatives and never have any friends.

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Smarter

We would all be a lot smarter if every time our computer gave us the answer it would also ask us a follow-up question.

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Verification

The thoughts expressed in this blog, either mine or quoted, shall most likely verify the speculation that my ignorance is, and always has been, instantaneous.

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Huh?

I'm no dummy. I know a lot of useless stuff.

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The First Squeeze

"Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said 'I think I’ll drink whatever comes out of these when I squeeze ’em?'"
— Bill Watterson

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Learning

You learn what you want to know when you want to learn and you learn what you don't want to know when you make a mistake.

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Coat of Character

They say when you paint your house it's like a new coat of character. Maybe we ought to paint all the politicians in Washington. Or maybe, just to be on the safe side, we should start all over and tear down both ends of Pennsylvania Avenue.

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Counting

“Not everything that can be counted counts,
And not everything that counts can be counted.”
- Albert Einstein

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I Wish

I wish there was no such thing as wars.
I wish ther was no such thing as floods and famines.
And I wish there was no such thing as cleaning out the cat box.

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When I Was Alive

When I was alive
I wasn't Billy Graham,
I wasn't Abraham Lincoln,
And I wasn't Bill Gates.
I was just me.
And the Lord just told me that the world is a better place,
Because I was important in the life of a child.

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Dreaming

The American Dream use to be something you could see when you were awake.

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Town Hall Debates

"The sharpest criticism often goes hand in hand with the deepest idealism and love of country."
— Robert F. Kennedy

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On The Other Hand

"On the other hand, you have different fingers"
— Jack Handey

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No Brainer

Some say I got no brains, just a soft heart and a sense of humor. Don't know if I'm alright or not. Guess it's cause I got no brains.

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Chief Cook

If you want to be the chief cook and bottle washer in your profession make sure your food is fresh and your dishes are clean.

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Your As Young As You Feel

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

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Crooked Road - Straight Road

The father grabbed the misbehaving son with one hand, the switch with the other hand and headed for the wood shed.
"Son, your a crooked road that needs straightening."
To which the son replied, "But dad, straight roads are boring."
I wonder if they made it to the wood shed?

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Climb Your Mountain

Two reasons why you need to climb your mountain now.
- Reason #1: Sooner or later you'll run out of gas.
- Reason #2: You can't coast uphill

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Pundits Beware

If you use fear as a tool you’ll soon assemble a panicked mob that will throw you under the bus at the first sign of danger.

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